Law and Order NHU: Naruto Humor Unit
by x se
Summary: Naruto and Sakura charge Kakashi with abuse and negligence. Naruto’s lawyers? Shukaku and Yondaime. Witnesses include Kyuubi, Itachi, Jiraiya, Kakashi’s Sharingan Obito and more. Oh yeah, Kisame’s the judge. NaruSaku? Chapters will be different lengths.
1. First Statement

_Law and Order NHU Naruto Humor Unit_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

_

Hatake Kakashi was late to training, more so than usual in fact. But then again, his two former pupils had gotten married a month ago and just got back from their honeymoon. If Kakashi learned anything from Icha Icha Paradise, it was what newlyweds did.

When Kakashi arrived, however, he saw his long dead sensei. He rushed to Yondaime (who from now on will be referred to as Kazama Arashi since that's what most people think his name is) with his arms outstretched. Arashi slugged him in the face.

"S-Sensei!" exclaimed Kakashi. "What's going on! Obito tells me you aren't an illusion!"

Kakashi's Sharingan eye (which he had out) suddenly ripped at the bottom, revealing a mouth with pointy teeth.

"An illusion he isn't!" screeched the eye.

"I am my son and daughter-in-law's lawyer…" said Arashi slowly. "And he is suing you for ten thousand dollars in whatever currency he pleases."

"W-What?" exclaimed Kakashi in shock. "Why?"

"You are being charged with negligence of children and sexual abuse." continued Arashi. "Court begins in three hours. Be late and you go to prison and be the first cellmate Mizuki's had in years."

Arashi used Shunshin no Jutsu and was gone. Kakashi covered Obito and headed towards the courthouse.

* * *

End Notes: Okay, just to let you folks know, Kisame has a girlfriend in Konoha. Most likely, it's gonna be TenTen, unless someone else can inspire me. So if you want a different character for Kisame to cuddle please tell me. 


	2. Second Statement

Law and Order NHU Naruto Humor Unit

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any related characters.

* * *

"Odor! Odor in the quart!" exclaimed a Uchiha policeman zombie. Another Uchiha policeman zombie laughed at the old joke. Orochimaru sighed from the audience.

"Why do my zombie slaves always end up idiots?" mumped the snake sennin as the zombies exploded. An ANBU AKA Hayate's hot girlfriend walked up to where the zombie was.

"Please rise for the honorable judge, Hoshigaki Kisame." Said ANBU AKA Hayate's hot girlfriend who's name is Uzuki Yuugao and from now on will be referred to as such. After stating this, the dead-but-now-alive Hayate strolled over and they cuddled.

Kisame walks in, in Akatsuki uniform except for his slashed Mist headband, which now has a Judge's gavel on it. Sameheda is set to the side and Kisame has a tiny sharkskin gavel in his hand. Deidara, who will always be female unless author states otherwise, cheered in the audience.

"Honorable?" yelled Kakashi from the defendant's table, his lawyer being Zabuza. "He's an S-Class Criminal from another village!"

"Shush!" yelled Kisame. "You should not talk. The only thing I hate more than pedophiles are those who sexually abuse. And according my Konoha lover, you're both, not only in this case but in many fanfictions."

Orochimaru slowly tiptoed out at the pedophile comment. He ran when he heard the rest.

"Orochimaru, you may stay!" boomed Kisame. "You have brought us Gekkou Hayate-." Squeals can be heard from Yuugao. "The Yondaime so he may protect his son, and many others, such as Zabuza. Plus I'm getting paid to hunt you down next week, so why do it now for nothing?"

"Oh…" Orochimaru sits down slowly. He gropes Kabuto, who would've been cool if he had just been a smart weakling that was cool which he was at a brief point and not a traitor/Orochimaru's love slave. Kabuto giggled.

"Now then, all of you can sit." Said Kisame, glaring at his week-from-now-assassination-target who had sat down and groped Kabuto. Orochimaru grinned sheepishly. "Okay, so… Present your opening statements."

"I LOVE YOU!" screamed a girl in the audience who will remain anonymous until her next mention.

"Love you too babe…" smirked Kisame.

Kakashi sighed and knew then he was doomed.

"Anyway…" said Kisame, coughing. "Opening statements?"

Shukaku and Arashi stood. Gaara smirked in the audience seeing his demon with a serious look for once, not the battle crazy demon he normally was. Shukaku right now looked like a brown haired Gaara with a tattoo that read "sand" and wearing a Hawaiian patterned suit.

"Now then…" said Shukaku. "I am Naruto's lawyer for the negligence case and Arashi is his lawyer for the sexual abuse case."

"Alright…" Kisame nodded and Arashi sat down.

* * *

End Chapter 2

Note: So far, Kisame's gal is most likely gonna be Hinata now. If you have problems, suggest someone else.


	3. Third Statement

Law and Order NHU Naruto Humor Unit

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Sorry.

* * *

Kakashi was stunned. There had actually been sexual abuse somewhere along the line?

But now, to deal with this so called "negligence".

"Well, you see, it all started at my client's first Chunin exam." Started Shukaku. "During the month before the third part of it, the plaintiff asked Kakashi to train him. Kakashi said no and trained Sasuke. He didn't even wait for the plaintiff's wife and other student at the time, Sakura, to ask."

Kakashi couldn't object to that. It was true. And he couldn't object because he'd probably go to jail.

"Eventually…" continued Shukaku. "This led to Sasuke going insane, thinking he was better, almost destroying Naruto over numerous occasions, and then giving up his crazy ambition to love a dead girl for all eternity by giving half his life to her. In fact, he should be suing too."

"I have no problems with the outcome of what happened." Said a cheery and somewhat more pale that usual Sasuke, a pregnant and pale Tayuya sleeping on his arm.

"Anyway, the many things Sasuke did to Naruto are, in other words, all Kakashi's fault." Concluded Shukaku. Kakashi gaped.

"That's not true!" exclaimed Kakashi, standing up.

"SILENCE!" boomed Kisame.

"You're so hot!" screamed Hyuuga Hinata.

That's right. Kisame's Konoha girlfriend was none other than Hyuuga Hinata. She met Kisame after he came to take Naruto. She was depressed that Naruto was with Sakura, and he said she was hot. They were drunk, one thing led to another…

"Now then, Yondaime…" Kisame motioned to the honorable Kazama Arashi, who was grinning evilly.

"My turn…" said Arashi. "Well…"

End Chapter


	4. Fourth Statement

Law and order NHU: Naruto Humor Unit

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Arashi looked over the courtroom.

"It is a terrible thing, not to be able to have children…" said Arashi darkly. "It is a terrible thing to have a person sexually abuse you, and I am ashamed to say that the one who did this to my son was none other than one of my own students, Hatake Kakashi!"

"I object!" yelled Zabuza, standing up.

"On what grounds?" asked Kisame, looking over at his fellow mist-missing-nin. Well, Zabuza was dead too, so…

"This man was dead when these so called events took place, how do we know he's not making it up?" snapped Zabuza, crossing his arms.

"Because his client informed him of what happened. That's how this kind of thing works. Lawyers shouldn't know the client until they meet, but this is different…" Kisame coughed. "Anyway, overruled. You may continue, Arashi."

Arashi nodded at Kisame, and faced the courtroom, before turning to the jury.

"Members of the jury, do you know the story of Uzumaki Naruto?" questioned Arashi. It was a rhetorical question, seeing as Naruto was the star of the anime and manga. "Of course you do. Now then… Do you remember the third and fourth episodes, or chapter six? Well, this is when Naruto was sexually abused…"

"No it isn't! All I did was test them, using _your_ method!" exclaimed Kakashi, standing up. Zabuza glared at him.

"Sit down, Hatake." snapped Kisame, glaring at Kakashi.

"Man, he's so hot… He uses that tone when he brings out the whip… Ooo…" Hinata grinned and shivered. Neji inched away from her. Kisame saw this and winked at Hinata, who licked her finger. Kisame grinned, before turning back to the courtroom.

"Now then…" Kisame looked sternly at Kakashi. "One more outburst like that and I'll have you locked up with Mizuki. Do _not_ test me."

"… Yes sir…" muttered Kakashi weakly. Kisame smirked.

"You may continue, Arashi…" said Kisame, waving his hand at Arashi.

Arashi nodded, once more, and looked at the jury, once more.

"Kakashi, using a forbidden ancient taijutsu technique, ruined my client's life." said Arashi. Kakashi's eyes widened.

'He couldn't possibly mean… That's insane!' thought Kakashi frantically.

"Using the technique, Kakashi thrust his fingers into my client's backside, but this had a terrible chain reaction…" Arashi shook his head. "Thanks to _that_, Uzumaki Naruto is unable to have an erection, or make the part needed from the man to make babies."

Kakashi's jaw dropped.

"What Kakashi did is now what is commonly referred to as 'ass rape,' but this specific 'encounter' was so much more..." Arashi shook his head sadly and sat down. Some of the jury members were in tears.

'... This doesn't look good.' thought Zabuza darkly. 'I'll have to think of something drastic...'

End Chapter


End file.
